|Employee's Name: Albert Einstein||Supervisor's name: Dr. Friedrich Haller|
|Title: Patent Clerk Third Class||Location: Bern Patent Office|
Instructions: Please complete each part of each question and discuss with the employee during the performance review meeting.
This is a patent office, Albert. Your job is to transform written patent applications into clear and precise language, and to study applications and pick out the new ideas of an invention. These are the priorities. Where does it say that your priorities are rewriting the rules of the Universe, unifying space and time, unifying radiation and matter, or demonstrating the existence of atoms?
Albert does a good job of processing patent applications. He seems to enjoy his work and have a competence for it. I put him down for "excellent" at "analyzes facts and reaches logical conclusions" -- no problem there, we can all agree.
However this year he seems to have devoted much of his time to publishing a series of outside papers. While this is not the primary responsibility of his position, I have to say he has done reasonably well in this respect:
Regrettably, I had to put you down as "poor" for "works well with others" and "shares credit appropriately." You had no co-authors on your five papers, and your citations were quite skimpy: no citations at all in your June and September paper, only one citation in your April paper, and not much better on the others. You wrote that your special theory of relativity came to you after a discussion with your friend Michele Besso. But you didn't even acknowledge him in your June paper. This is an area for improvement.
On the other hand, famous physicists are beginning to visit the offices here in Bern; Albert you must make sure that any hours spent in talking to them are subtracted from your time card and made up for later. You are responsible for making sure these visits do not cause a distraction for others in the office.
In addition, I would have to say your output, while at times quite extraordinary, has been inconsistent. In Q1 you managed to publish one paper in the final two weeks of the quarter. In Q2 you improved productivity, with your dissertation in April, the Brownian Motion paper in May, and the Special Relativity paper in June. Not bad for a quarter, not bad at all. But then you seemed to slump: you did finish one paper 3 days before the close of Q3, but it was only 3 pages long. I admit that some reviewers did find it noteworthy, but really, couldn't it have been the conclusion of your June paper? It almost seems like you held it back just to have something to show for Q3. (This flippant, almost disrespectful attitude is also evident in your dissertation: when told by your respected thesis committee that your thesis was too short, you added one sentence.) And then in Q4 -- no publications at all.
You wrote that "A storm broke out in my mind" this year. Let me remind you that our Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) covers up to three psychiatric treatments, should you find them necessary.
You seem to lack a flare for self-promotion. Lucky for us our PR department stepped in and changed your L/c2 equation into the much more marketable E = mc2.
Based on his performance as a patent clerk, I cannot recommend Albert for a promotion at this time.
First, congratulations for completing your doctoral dissertation in April. (Make sure you fill out form EDUR-4 to be reimbursed for a portion of your tuition.) I was impressed that Prof. Alfred Kleiner wrote that "Herr Einstein has provided evidence that he is capable of occupying himself successfully with scientific problems." So clearly, you need no more formal education.
However, based on your file photo below, I would suggest you sign up for the "Dress for Success" class. Really: a striped shirt with a plaid suit?